negativity and the negative split

Guess what happens when you decide that you can't?

You don't.

Especially when you know what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to prepare and what you are supposed to focus on and you behave as though these things are optional.

Since I don't believe in luck, I must create my own success. This entails following a plan and preparing the path to success. If I don't succeed, I make no room for whining and crying and blaming random occurrences (or people) for preventing my success. If I want it, I have to get it my damn self.

Several months ago, I registered for a ten mile race in Washington DC and I ran this race on Sunday. (We actually put ourselves in as a team in the lottery and got selected. That's not luck, that's favorable odds.) This made me have to swap out long runs in my marathon training program, but I checked with Hal and he said it was ok to do this once in awhile, as long as you get all of your mileage in. (And by the way, the previous entry was about a race the week before, so don't get all uppity and say I'm over-doing it...)

I was already intimidated. I knocked 39 seconds off of my previous ten mile pace PR. If I'm doing the math right, I shaved more than six minutes off. That's freakin' awesome. Since I always compete against myself, I know that in this race, I am supposed to beat my previous PR. I already know that's a tall order- how much more time can I shave off after only a couple of weeks? Additionally, several thousand people are running this ten mile race. Two weeks ago, that was a nice local one. Freehold NJ isn't as popular as Washington DC I suppose. For me, crowded races are difficult to navigate through. It's like rush hour traffic. Go, slow down, go around, watch out for the person that's tail gating, double check your blind spots before you change lanes, etc...

So, we take a leisurely 4-ish hour drive to the nations capital. I'm quietly anxious about my competition- I have no idea how I'm going to beat my time from two weeks ago. I decide that the only way it can happen is through sheer will and determination. Do I have it?

Well, not today. I didn't say anything to anyone about it- I didn't want to give power to the doubt. I didn't want to risk hearing any implication of "it's ok- just do your best".

But what happens when you're already anxious and doubtful, then you eat food that you know you shouldn't, have a couple of drinks, only get 5 hours sleep, and show up with no time to stretch or warm up before a race? You drag ass. And you resign to dragging ass. My legs are actually HURTING for the first two miles. And there are so many people to go around. So I hang back and tell myself that I'll make this a training run and ignore the clock... Yeah that's it. That's what I'm doing. My pace is so easy- the photographers through the course caught me smiling, giving a double thumbs up, and actually looking pretty good in general. (That never happens- I am usually slightly frightening in race photos.)

By the 5th mile I say to myself "Hey, what is this? No more slacking!" and I pick up my pace. I want this PR. But you know what??? It's too late. I can't make up for the leisurely five miles I just ran. I come in 4 minutes slower than that coveted PR that I was supposed to top. Oh well. That's what you get.

HOWEVER...

I looked at the race results. And I ran a negative split. By a lot. My per-mile pace was 50 seconds faster in the second half of the race. AND that pace was 4 seconds/mile faster than my previous PR. So it was there. I just didn't find it until mile 5. I'm trying really hard not to type "duh... winning" after that last statement.

So from this race, I learned that my mindset is more than half the battle. I already know I can run. I already know I have a great VO2 max and I can go for a long time. But none of this matters if I resign myself to doubt AND pave the way for it to take over.

And I'll also run more negative splits. Just because I can.