It has been a little over a month since the 2nd marathon. I know it's not surprising when I admit that I have yet to feel like I'm back in business as far as running goes. I am not running long distances yet- my body is still telling me to rest and still showing lots of signs of needing recovery time. And that's fine. But I miss running for no other reason than the fact that I love to run. When you have slight knee pain, both groin muscles recovering from being pulled, and two toenails completely gone and two more that look like they need to go, it's hard to love running. Crazy, right?
Yesterday I decided that if I felt any knee pain after my four mile run, I'd stop running completely for a week or two and see a doctor. I put the odds in favor of stopping by running without my patella strap just for the heck of it. With the exception of the beach run and the Undy 5000, I have not felt free and alive and liberated while running like I usually do. I know recovery and rest are essential, and I know that pain and discomfort after my first two marathons should be expected but it's been a bummer, to be honest.
So this was my test. One more run to determine if I should throw the towel for awhile. Even though I was going to let my body decide and in some ways I seemed resigned to the worst case scenario, my mind and heart were fighting this. I want badly to go back to that place when running wasn't counting miles and keeping track and maintaining pace- when it was literally just for the love of the run. Marathon training was an amazing in it's own way, but it stole a lot from me.
So on this night, I figured I had to dig deep to find the heart of running for myself. What is it that drives me? Why do I do it? What is the best thing about it? If I could remember those things, perhaps I could get there again. I refuse to have another painstaking, tortured, sub-par, mentally disconnected run. I'm going to come back to life as a runner, darnit. No matter what it takes. I sift through the confines of my mind and grab hold of all the little things I've written about on this blog and hold on to them- knowing they might be what I need to fuel my heart so that I can soar for 4 short miles. I'd like to soar rather than struggle or drag ass.
I will be honest, I thought I'd have to dig deep. But I thought of the progress and accomplishments I achieved over the past few years. And there was one constant...
He was in Philadelphia with me when I decided (very last minute) to try and run the half marathon in 2008. It was freezing and he stood at the finish line waiting and waiting and waiting as I barely ran at all and took over three hours to finish. He was there in Washington DC at the Army Ten Miler when I finished strong and triumphant. He biked twenty miles at Manasquan Reservoir as I ran ten on the trail, occasionally claiming that it might be easier to carry his bike over his head and walk rather than pedal through some of the hills. At my request, he pushed me out the door for training runs when I didn't "feel" like running. He helped me make the time and priority. He drove for six hours to bring me to Lake Placid and stood at the finish in puddles and mud and held my rain and sweat soaked body tight as I cried tears of joy after finishing my first marathon. He waited in the heat and humidity at Pennypack Park in Pennsylvania, in full support of my crazy notion to become a Marathon Maniac by running my first and second marathon 15 days apart. He is not a runner, but his love, support and abundantly generous heart have been the fuel for the high, bright burning fire within me. Without this fuel, I could never soar. Without him, I would not run.
And just like that, I'm back. I ran my four miles, and I loved it. No pain, no discomfort. I ran in celebration of him, of us, and what we accomplish together. Each medal, every PR, and all of the wonderful memories I have been blessed with through running are just as much his as they are mine. He is not along side me when I'm running, but he is in every stride. He and I built this runner in me. And I am strong and determined and in love with running again. Without him, none of this would exist. I can only imagine what more we might build in this life together.
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